Not so far away
I haven’t been able to sleep through the night much lately. I wake up too early and putter around, drinking a glass of water and squinting at the sudden brightness of my phone screen. When I fall back asleep, my dreams are vivid and unsettling. A man chasing me through a high school campus with an unknown weapon. Being held hostage by an Ellen DeGeneres impersonator. Teammates throwing colorful plastic balls at me as part of a competition in Las Vegas. I awake sweaty and disoriented, with nowhere to be.
I get mad at myself, and the world. Mad at my inability to reply to texts and emails quickly, to keep my apartment clean, to keep a schedule. Furious at the unemployment office for not having enough staff to answer my call (I called literally ~51 times~ this morning and never got through), furious at the corporations that are benefiting from our fear. Everyone is shellshocked and waiting. I love my puzzles and my third-floor window and my little walks, but I want a life with other people. I’ve been regretting all the times I could’ve gone out before this, but stayed home. Reminder to future Kira to remember how this feels and to be brave and loving and open and to triumph over social anxiety when I can.
I am moving through this slowly, but not alone. The two Zoom Passover seders we had last week reminded me that though we’re isolated, we’re not far from one another. We have to reach out and tell others how we feel. Share our dreams, our unexpected wakings.
In the dark of early morning, I imagine someone else lying in bed, staring at their ceiling, and send a burst of love their way. And sometimes, I feel them send it right back.
Reading…
We will need new ways to grieve. How and where people live in California, in photos. The world desperately needs the wisdom and light of this elderly lesbian couple. Samantha Irby’s essay about making friends as an adult made me laugh out loud multiple times, as did this woman who accidentally became a potato on Zoom. This gorgeous New Yorker short story is set in San Francisco, where Tinder has been overrun with attractive blots that steal your heart… and your data. “All those years, I sat on all those shores, in Honolulu, in Queens, in Miami, in Los Angeles, watching people in the water, letting my admiration mask my envy.” Something I Saw brings daily art, joy, and contemplation to my inbox.
Watching and listening…
Lots of Dixie Chicks (especially the song “Easy Silence”), in preparation for their new album in May! This Invisibilia episode about climate change, grief, and whale song is one of the most special podcasts I’ve heard recently. Many short films from SXSW are available for free online!! MUNA is my new favorite band (start with these songs). I really enjoy superhero movies. In honor of John Prine, I’ve returned to one of my favorite podcast episodes ever, a piece inspired by an encounter at one of Prine’s concerts.
Recommending…
Cutting your own hair (cautiously, with the help of YouTube tutorials). Making up your own bracket tournaments. Sporcle quizzes. Deleting Twitter when it gets to be too much. Daydreaming about summer barbecues with watermelon and veggie burgers and everyone hanging out in the pool. Listening to the music you loved when you were eleven. Hiking to the top of a hill.
This week, tell someone how you feel.
Sleep well,
Kira